A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. “So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?” “Why, we gather them c...
A virile, young Italian sailor was relaxing at his favorite bar, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom w...
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies: “Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye ...
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes. An American farmer looked over the fence and said “In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!” The Scotsman replied ” Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths s...
A man who absolutely hated his wife’s cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the ...
A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to thi...
Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The grandfather takes out a cigarette and lights it. Little Johnny says, “Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?” “Can you touc...
Customer: “I’d like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?” Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?” Customer: “I would like an Internet please.” Customer: “I just got ...
General: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God. Colonal: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, i...
Four gay guys walk into a bar and start arguing over who’s penis is longer. Well the bar tender finally got sick of hearing them arguing so told them he had a way to solve this problem. He told them to stick their penis’ on the bar and h...
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the w...
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone Brother. 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn’t get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Fathers business. 2. H...
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape-drug on the market called “Beer” is used by many females to target unsu...
We came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so we thought we’d pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surfac...
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invite...
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, fo...
Q: Why were Helen Keller s walls and doorknobs smeared brown? A: Because Annie Sullivan forgot to re-stock the toilet paper roll.
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he’s being watched by a midget. Althought the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn’t get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs i...
During an Army war game a commanding officer s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. “Sorry sir,” said one of the loafers, “but we ve been classified dead and...
A man lives in a highrise on the 15th floor. Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor. But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up. The only exceptio...
A visitor to Texas once asked, “Does it ever rain out here?” A rancher quickly answered, “Yes, it does.” “When?” asked the visitor. “Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40...
Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons: “I’ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!” “I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand...
So there were these four brothers riding a camel. One was on the neck, the other on the front part of the hump the next behind the hump and the last hanging off the rump of the camel. The brother near the head of the camel noticed that the animal was ...
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God, was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will...
Q: Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants? A: She wanted everyone to be able to read her lips. Q: How did Helen Keller discover masturbation? A: By trying to read her own lips. Q: And why did Helen Keller masturbate with her left hand? A: Because she...
How to Impress a Woman Compliment her Cuddle her Kiss her Caress her Love her Stroke her Tease her Comfort her Protect her Hug her Hold her Dine her Listen to her Care for her Stand by her Support her Go to the ends of the earth for her How to Impres...
Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand: “What is your name?” he asked. “John,” the guy answered. “And why were you arrested?” the judge asked. ...
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what’s left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, ...
A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying h...
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Even...
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head? he asked his mother. He thinks a lot, replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good a...
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first one says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the o...
One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said,”Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!”
A Texas Aggie and a farmer were walking through the farmer’s field one sunny afternoon when they came upon a sheep with his head stuck through the fence, unable to extricate itself. “Look at that poor sheep, he’s stuck!” commen...
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. On...
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. “What’s going on here, anyway?” he asked. “This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!” one of the crowd respon...
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, “Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got und...
1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want… 5. I am sorry = You’ll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble. 7. Sure, go ahead = You’d better not. 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later. 9. I am...
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the pro...
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the w...
The manager hired a new secretary. He was young, smart, handsome and polite. One day while taking dictation, he noticed the managers fly was open. When he was leaving the room, he courteously said, “Oh, by the way sir, did you know that your ba...
An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked ...
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, “Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?” Grandpa looks at him and says “No Johnny, I will not.” “But Grandpa, why?” asks little J...
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to ...
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head? he asked his mother. He thinks a lot, replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good a...
A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, ” How about a date later ? ” She said, ” I’m married.” ” So call up your husband and tell him you’re going to visit a ...
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, “What’s wrong.” The guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, “I’m sorry about that buddy.” After a c...
Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful: 1) Don t expect to find filet m...
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and travelled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, “Where are we now?” The guide said, “We&...
Two shipwrecked Scots had been hanging on for hours to an upturned boat. Wee Hughie, realizing that he might not be able to hold our much longer, began to recount his past misdeeds, and to vow that if he escaped he would in future lead an entirely new...
Comments