The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up...
God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, “Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to ...
Julie and kids had just returned from church. My 5 and 7 year old kids were showing me the faces they’d drawn in Sunday school. Now, museum quality they’re not, but these were particularly unbalanced. I asked them why. My 7-year-old explai...
HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are...
Bill Gates, Andy Grove, & Jerry sanders (CEOs of Microsoft, Intel & AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise was suddenly emitted from where Bill was sitting. Bill said : “Oh...
God one day decided he ought to check in with Adam to see how things were going. “Adam….How are things going?” Adam replies that he considers himself quite fortunate to be living in such a beautiful and peaceful place but he did h...
So a guy from Alberta, Saskatchewan and Quebec are all stranded in the desert. Miraculously they stumble upon a magical lamp and a genie appears from it. He explains to the three of them that he will send them all back home on the condition that they...
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we...
One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor. After a while, the doctor came out and said, “Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?” “Yes doctor, im right here,” he said anxiously. “Great news,”...
When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just befo...
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn’t even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was per...
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyb...
Two blondes rented a boat and went fishing. After finding a good location, the first blond told the second one to mark the spot so when they came back they will be able to find it again. On the way home, the first one asked, “How did you mark th...
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emo...
Billy was on holiday in America and didn’t speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things. He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some “B...
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church. One of the two men ...
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentl...
Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of “I Love You” variations and how to recognize them: - The ...
My favourite two campus practical jokes: 1. Arrange the light switches in a lavatory and an adjacent room so that flipping one switch also flips the other. Consider the resultant scene (visible from the outside just by watching the windows): the roo...
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan ...
1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh, dang, my shaft’s all bent. 3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip. 6. Lift your ...
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant’s backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to hav...
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all ...
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession. The Ants’ star playe...
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about...
The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked: “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45...
Two Newfie hunters were walking in the forest and talking when one of them falls down all of a sudden. The other guy freaks out and calls 911. He says: “You gotta help me! My buddy just fell down and I think he’s dead! I don’t know w...
A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him....
A young, religious Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning’s relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up...
A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said “Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians...
The American ambassador visited the Romanian president. In the waiting room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes. When he entered he said to the Romanian president, “I really don’t want to bother you but I talked with two ...
One day, a teacher in a high school class was administering a test, and she noticed that four pupils were missing. The first one came in. “Why are you so late?” the teacher said to him. “Sorry, miss,” he said. “I’...
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from th...
Banta was in the army. During the war with Pakistan, Banta used his intelligence to kill many Pakistani soldiers. He would hide behind the bushes and shout Pakistani names like - Imran Khan etc. and the soldier named Imran Khan would get up to say ...
Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships havelong been characterized as being female (e.g., “Steady as she goes”, or”She’s listing to starboard, Captain!”). Recently, a group of computerscientists (all mal...
Nicola Levy was a depressed young woman. She was so desperate that one day, she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the River Thames. When Nicola arrives at the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her when he...
Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John’s and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said “Let’s have da fingers and...
It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt. They both get out. One is a doc...
A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said “Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians...
A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every longshoreman he sees that his guy can screw and satisfy 100 women in a row, without pausing. Bets are made and they agree that they’ll meet the next day. The next day, 100...
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. “What are you doing?” his mother asked. “The box says you...
Two old men were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first man said, “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.” “What do you mean?” asked the second man. “Well,R...
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, “Help me, help me.” But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have hi...
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper. “Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge. “Toilette pepper!”
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy” she said “Can we leave now?” “No” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then g...
The telephone rings in the principal’s office at a school. “Hello, this is Dunn Elementary,” answers the principal. “Hi. Jimmy won’t be able to come to school all next week,” replies the voice. “Well, what ...
A Frenchman attending a convention found he d hafta share a room with an Englishman, but he didn t really mind. Upon arriving at the room, he found the Britishman already there…and so was a MONKEY! The Frenchman said, “Mon..mon..monsieur, ...
Moishe was getting really quite old and one of his problems was that he hadn’t had any sex for a long time. So one day, he decided to go to an old-timer’s dance. He’d been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn’...
Pak dictator Zia is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address. Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn’t see a pig walk out...
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyb...
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