John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how handsome John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns’ sexual orientation and this only made her more curious. Over the co...
A man is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He...
A woman is in a terrible car accident and, as a result, is in a coma. Doctors try everything they can think of, but nothing will bring her out of it. Once a week, a nurse comes in to give the woman a bath. She notices that every time she gets the spon...
There was a blonde who was sick and tired of being ridiculed for being blonde, so she decided to fix it by dying her hair brunette. Well, she was driving along a country road one day when she saw a shepherd with his flock. She decided to see if she co...
The manager hired a new secretary. He was young, smart, handsome and polite. One day while taking dictation, he noticed the managers fly was open. When he was leaving the room, he courteously said, “Oh, by the way sir, did you know that your ba...
Two guys were riding on a motorcycle. The first guy says, “Man, I am freezing back here!” So the second guy says, “Well hang on and I will stop. We can turn your jacket around and that will block the wind. So the two guys stop and ...
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his ...
Four gay guys walk into a bar and start arguing over who’s penis is longer. Well the bar tender finally got sick of hearing them arguing so told them he had a way to solve this problem. He told them to stick their penis’ on the bar and h...
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of...
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. “...
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened. “You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?” “What’s that got to ...
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, “Hello.” The other one thought, “I wonder what he meant by that.”
This man decided that on his birthday he was going to go to the local bar and get shit-faced drunk. So he walks in and asks for a bottle of Jack Daniels, when he was about halfway through he saw this sign on the wall that read “Reward $1,000,000...
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun, surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus sta...
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release r...
George W. aides deciding that he needs to improve his image by the Jews, arranged for him to eat at a Jewish Kosher restaraunt. In this way he would shouw the Jews how much he likes their culture. “But I don’t like Jewish food. I never ha...
* Waited on the street corner with a piece of bread to get some traffic jam. * Saluted the refrigerator because it was a General Electric. * Went to the lumber yard to see the Board of Education. * Ate some pennies and then asked if people saw any ...
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the ce...
Two brothers were riding a train for the first time. They had brought along a bag of bananas for lunch. Just as one bit into his banana, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain. In the darkness was overheard, “Did you take a bite of your ba...
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie...
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, ‘’I want my $20 million.'’ The man replied, ‘’No, sir. It doesn’t work that way....
An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each others company. After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, “I know ...
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them ...
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perf...
Two grade-schoolers are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out,...
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, sh...
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doct...
There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his cock sticking out of his pants! The cowboy get...
Beng and Seng excited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key that was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Beng asked, ” Why don’t we get a coat hanger to open it.” “No, that won’t work” ans...
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I en...
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to ...
A stuwardess on a plane saw that a blonde was sitting in the first class section with out a first class ticket. The stuwardess said, “You need to go back, you don’t have a first class ticket.” The blonde looked said, “I’m...
You could always try the “You know that you are getting old when…” line of jokes Here are a few of my favorites When males wore hats (not backwards baseball caps) and removed them in church. When you had to get up to change the bl...
David Duke, former leader of the white supremacist organization the Ku Klux Klan, died and was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. “David,” said St. Peter, “I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news. Which new...
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are...
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, Al told his wife, Tipper, about the urinal. “Just thin...
A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell. The Devil says to him “Hey Vinny we’ve been waitin for ya!”. Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says “I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?” ...
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” What do they say?” the priest inquired. ” They only know how to say, ‘Hi,...
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day. He put the cat in his car and drove it 20 blocks from their home, leaving it at the park. But upon arriving home, he found the cat just walking up the driveway. The n...
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…” “I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassu...
A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and an apple. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, while a drunk standing behind her in line watches. “You must be single,” he ...
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” “What’s the problem?” the docotor inquired. “Well, I’m 35 years old and...
One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in third grade. Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests. So, together, Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both meaning and spelling of the words. ...
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. “There is a blind man to see you,” she says. “Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in.”...
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah, young love… ze sp...
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.” On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed yo...
3 guys, a red-head, a brute, and a blonde got together to go hunting. They split up and when they regrouped the red-head had a deer. The other two asked how he got it. And he said, “I saw tracks, I followed tracks, and I caught a deer.” Wh...
Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly. “Well,” said Lenny, “I never imagined our good friend...
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and s...
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after much considerstion he decided upon a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister, he went to a department store and carefully choset a pair of white gloves. The si...
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