Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samu...
An old couple was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s office when the nurse came out and said, “Mr. Jones, the doctor told me that he needs you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample before he examines you.”...
There is a man in the park peeing in a fountain and a cop comes up to him and says, “Sir you need to zip that up. You aren’t supposed to pee in a public fountain like that” So the cop is leaving and the man zips up his pants but is ...
Operator: “Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…” Customer: “Hi, I’d like to order.” Operator: “May I have your NIDN first, sir?” Customer: “My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh,...
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance...
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.” “Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?” “When it was over,” ...
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. “Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?” “I’ve got a kickstand,” the prospect replied. “I...
The barn of a farmer had burnt down and he asked the insurance man for 50 000 USD. The insurance man “We do not give money, we build you a similar barn instead. The same goes for example with your car, if its stolen we just give you a similar ca...
Week 5 basic training. Drill Sergeant Shaltenbrand comes in for bedcheck. Right away he asks a private: “Jessen where you from? You remind me of a White Urkel.” “Montana,” Pvt Jessen replies. “Montana? Where the men ar...
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she’d take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy “My name is Johnny Fuckhauer”. So she...
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this mo...
There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his cock sticking out of his pants! The cowboy get...
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.” A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourt...
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth. A year passes, and only three people ...
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this m...
A SALES rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I ll give each of you ju...
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.” “Oh really, hmm, didn’t k...
A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading “Hans Schmidt’s Chinese Laundry.” Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an obviously Chinese man who introduced himself as Hans Schmidt. “How come...
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable tra...
A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. Well, it dates back to our honeymoon...
Two gay guys, Larry and Casey, lived together. One day, it was really hot and Larry came home and found Casey with his ass in the freezer. Larry exclaimed,”Casey, what the hell are you doing with your ass in the freezer?!?” Casey replie...
A farmer who’s been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. “I understand you’re claiming damages for the injuries you’re supposed to have suffered?̶...
Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny’s daddy thinks, “I’ll get a head start on Johnny’s gambling.” So he calls the teacher and says, “My so...
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag. “What’s in the bag?” the youngster asked. “magic apples”, the old man replied. “Prove it”, said the young man. “Well, besides apples, what is...
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS: “Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley’s Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battali...
A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said “I’ll bet I can make your horse talk.” Indian: “Horse no talk” Ventriloquist: “Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?” Horse: “Oh, he is...
Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but the man in front doesn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. She begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The...
A Marine sees a flyer from a medical research company that wants to cross a human male with a female orangutan. The flyer asks people to participate for $500. The marine figures it’ll be okay and goes to the lab where the project will happen. T...
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED ! ALL AP...
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. “I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I’ll have a basketball team!” said the Catholic. “That’s nothing!'&...
Superglue a quarter to the ground in front of a vending machine. Only time-lapse photography could truly show the ingeniousness of such a practical joke, but sticking around for an hour gives you a pretty good idea of how cheap people really are.
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. “Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?” “Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” ...
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber ...
Billy was on holiday in America and didn’t speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things. He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some “B...
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he’d been working on for quite sometime, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. “It took me only 5 months to do that,” Ah Beng brags. “Five months? That’s too longR...
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network. Naturally, the British g...
It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked “What will you be doing this summer?” “Me and my family will go to the beach a lot,” Suzie answered. “That sounds ...
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I...
Teacher or professor giving you a hard time? Grab their blackboard chalk and drill a small hole straight down from the writing end, insert a match, and fill the hole with a blend of chalk dust and glue. Put the chalk back and watch the panic when smok...
Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, “Dad, is god a man or a woman?” His Dad replies, “Johnny, both. God is both.” Johnny asks, “Dad, is god black or white?’ His Dad says, “Both. God is both.” ...
The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoptio...
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ‘’It could have been worse.'’ His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so ...
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married, she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, she stooped dow...
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor–we’re going to need a mop. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that…uh…that uh….thingie. Oops! Hey, has...
The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. ...
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. When the priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A poli...
A man goes to his doctor. “If I see someone riding a bike when I’m walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself under the wheels. Have you ever heard of such a thing?” The doctor thinks for a moment, then says;...
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne. The chief then said “All of yo...
Park your car on a the street facing traffic, using a dark colour late model domestic sedan adds to the authenticity of this prank. Wear dark clothes and wear sunglasses and hold a hair dryer out the window and watch in delight as car come squealing t...
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take Engli...
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